It’s Do it Yourself Month…
By SethM
Are you handy? I am not talking about handy as in you can build a house, I am thinking more like can you clean your own pipes..
Well, even if you never considered yourself handy, this month every man woman and teen can not only consider themselves handy, but also get some good relief because… it’s National Masturbation Month (NMM)!
Yes, people, May is NMM; I am not sure about you, but I didn’t know this ‘til I heard it being spoken about earlier in the week on Howard Stern’s show. No, this is not some kind of Howard Stern joke or something that he made up. Apparently , the 1st National Masturbation Day was recognized in 1995…and all I could think was, “WHY??? Is this really necessary?” I mean, we live in a crazy society, but still… Well, it may not be necessary, but look it up on Wikipedia; Masturbation Month actually climaxes with National Masturbation Day which, since 2005, is…celebrated…on May 28th.
I guess it makes sense, I mean we have National Margarita Day, Hot Dog Day and a variety of other days depending on which crazy calendar you look out… Ironically, 757dining.com declares that May 28th is also National Brisket day ~ which, combined with Masturbation Day ~ certainly gives new meaning to the phrase “rubbing one out!”
Masturbation is part of almost everyone’s lives. I think people who say they have never done it are, plain and simple, lying. And if you happen to be one of the very few who truly have NOT taking things into your own hands, well, you might just be a jerk-off altogether. And if you’re a..hard…core believer in this most stress-relieving of activities, then you likely think it should be celebrated ever day of every month, twice on Sundays.
I was in Ohio for Rock on the Range just this past weekend (coverage coming soon!) and some of the girls were talking about always needing batteries. So how about May 1st as National Battery Day (which is actually February 18th) to allow preparation and the purchase of supplies for the 31 days of self -indulgence or National Vibrator Day (there is a National Sex Toy Day on November 4th)…or how about National Lube Day? Come to think of it, that one SHOULD be April 15th since no one avoids getting fucked on that day!!
Well, I think you get what I am saying ~ do we really need a designated month to embrace ourselves? I mean, masturbation isn’t going away; it’s as old as time itself. When we are little boys and girls we discover our private parts …and then keep on discovering them again and again and, well, you know, so maybe National Masturbation Day is a nice tip of the hat to a national pastime more popular than baseball, but a whole fucking month (or more accurately, of no fucking; which is even stupider)? A MONTH? I am calling bullshit on this National Month.
Although I may have an issue with a whole Month, I would like to talk about the Day itself ~ it’s cumming soon and you should be too. According to Wikipedia:
“National Masturbation Day (NMD) is an annual event celebrated on a day in May to protect the right to masturbate. The first National Masturbation Day was observed in 1995. Until 2001, NMD was celebrated on May 7, but in 2005 NMD was celebrated on May 28. Alongside NMD, the month of May is celebrated as the National Masturbation Month…”
We should probably all plan something special to protect our “right to masturbate” (and don’t forget our right to…a good brisket, too) ~ maybe buy some Calgon, woo yourself a little if that’s what it takes…or just hit youporn.com. I have no idea what your self-love preferences are but be careful ~ I need as many readers as I can get so nothing to crazy where you end up pulling a Michael Hutchence and killing yourself by erotic asphyxiation.
When all is said and done, it’s May, the summer is here, kids are out of school, we’re enjoying the nice weather, and not only are we free to masturbate, we’re encouraged to do so, so let’s celebrate and finish of the month with some Happy Endings!!!
Please note: Depending on how frequently you engage in masturbation, it might be very important to do a pre-session stretch so that you don’t injure yourself. At Flashwounds, we care, so here are some pre-celebration exercises you may want to do as a warm-up.